Christian jokes

1. The song leader

A pastor and a song leader were not getting along and it began to spill over into the worship services. One week the minister preached on being willing to change. Afterwards the song leader got up and led the song “I shall not be moved.” The next Sunday he preached on giving. The song leader then led “Jesus paid it all.” The next week he preached on gossip. Then the song leader led “I would love to tell the story.” The minister was so frustrated he resigned. He told the congregation “Jesus brought me here and Jesus is taking me away.” The song leader then led “What a friend we have in Jesus.”



2. The biggest lie

I head about this pastor that was walking down the street. And he came upon this group of young boys that were surrounding this little dog. He asked them what they were doing. They said “We’re having a contest. Whoever can tell the biggest lie can keep the dog.” He went into a 10 minutes sermon beginning with “Don’t you know lying is a sin?” and ending with “When I was your age I never told a lie.” There was complete silence and just when he thought he’d gotten through to them the youngest boy spoke up and said “All right give him the dog.”



3. The Saint

There were two evil brothers that were extremely rich. They attended the same church and on the surface they appeared to be good Christians. One of the brothers suddenly died. The remaining brother sought out the pastor and handed him a large donation. He said “I only have one condition. At the funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.” The pastor agreed and deposited the check. At the funeral the pastor said “This man was an evil man. He lied, he stole, he cheated people. After going on and on for several minutes he finally said “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”



4. The dinner blessing

A mother invited some people for dinner. At the table she turned over to her 5 year-old daughter and said “Honey, would you like to say the blessing?” The little girl replied “I don’t know what to say.” The Mum answered back “Just say what you hear Mummy say.” The little girl bowed her head and said “Oh Lord, why did I invite those people to dinner?”



5. Baseball in Heaven

Two famous baseball pitchers were discussing whether there would be any baseball in Heaven. They made an agreement that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if indeed there was any baseball in Heaven. A few months later one of the men died and just as promised he came back to the Earth and said "Friend I've got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is there is baseball in Heaven. The bad news is you’re scheduled to pitch next Thursday.”



6. The taxi driver

A minister dies and he is waiting in line at the pearly gates. Ahead of him is a man dressed in a light shirt, jeans and sunglasses. Peter asks “Who are you?” The man replied “Joe Conan, taxi driver, New York City.” Peter checked his list and handed him a silk robe and a gold staff and said enter in the Heaven. The minister steps forward and said “I’m Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s.” Peter checks his list and handed him a cotton robe and a wooden staff. The minister said “Wait a minute! The taxi driver gets a silk robe and gold staff, how can this be?” Peter replied “Up here we work by results. When you preached, people slept. When he drove people prayed.



7. The wedding vows

During his wedding rehearsal the groom approached the pastor and said “I’ll give you 100 dollars if you would change the wedding vows and leave out all the love, honor and obey part. He pressed the 100 dollar bill into the pastor’s hand and walked away with a smile. The next day during the vows, the pastor asked him “Do you promise to bow down before her, fulfill her every wish, and serve her breakfast in bed for as long as you shall live? The groom gulped in astonishment and finally in a weak voice answered yes. He did lean toward the pastor and said “Hey I thought we had a deal?” The pastor handed him his money back and said “She made me a much better offer.”





8. The pancake

A mother was cooking pancakes for her two young sons. Ryan was 5 and Kevin was 3. They began to argue about who would get the first one. The mother saw this as an opportunity to teach them a lesson and she said “Boys, boys if Jesus were here he would say “Let my brother have the first one.” Ryan turned to his younger brother and said, ”OK Kevin you would be Jesus.”



9. The Secret Service

A pastor was greeting people in the lobby as they left one Sunday. He came across a man he had not seen for some time and he pulled him aside and said “Sir, you need to join the army of the Lord.” The man replied “I’m already in the army of the Lord.” The pastor looked kind of confused and said “How come I only see you on Easter and Christmas?” Then the man whispered back “I’m in the Secret Service.”



10. Black or White

Archie and Jack argued for years whether Jesus was black or white. Archie was certain Jesus was white but Jack was just as certain he was black. As faith would have it, they both died on the same day and raced to the pearly gate to see who was right. “Saint Peter!” they shouted “Is Jesus white or black?” About that time Jesus walked up and said “Buenos Dias.”



11. The mother-in-law

Georges was on vacation in Jerusalem with his family when his mother-in-law suddenly died. He went to make arrangements to get the body back home. The counselor told him it would could 5,000 dollars to have her shipped but only 150 dollars to have buried her there. After deep thought, he made the decision to ship her home. The counselor said “Man, you must have really loved your mother-in-law.” Georges said “No, it is not really that. I just know of a case many years ago, when they buried somebody here and on the third day he arose… I just can’t take that chance.



12. The long hair

A young boy had just gotten his driver’s permit and asked his father if he could use the car. His father said “I’ll make a deal with you. If you bring your grades up, study your Bible, and get your hair cut, you can use it.” A month later the boy came back and asked about the car. Then Dad said “Son I ‘am very proud of you. You brought your grades up, you’ve been studying your Bible, but still you haven’t got your haircut. The boy said “Dad, I’ve been thinking. Samsun had long hair, Moses had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair.” His father replied “Yes, Son, and they walked everywhere they went.”



13. God is missing

A mother had two young boys that were known for their bad behavior. Anytime trouble happened they were sure to be a part of. She decided to send them to their pastor one at a time to see if he could help. The minister asked the first boy “where is God?” The boy just sat there. He asked again “Where is God?” Still no reply. The third time he asked the boy, he bolted out the door, ran home and told his brother “God is missing and they think we did it!”



14. A detour to Hell

A Baptist, a Catholic, and a charismatic suddenly died and went to Heaven. Upon arrival Peter said “I’m sorry, but your living quarters are not quite ready.” He did not know what to do with them so finally he called the Devil and asked if he would keep them for a couple of days. Satan reluctantly agreed. A few hours later Satan called back and said “You’d gotta come and get those guys. The Catholic man is forgiving everybody, the Baptist is saving everybody and the charismatic has already raised enough money for air-conditioning.”



15. The Christian bear

I heard about this pastor that skipped church one Sunday morning to go bear hunting. He got his gun and went out in the woods and searched and searched and searched. He did not see any sign of a bear. Finally he got frustrated and threw his gun down and went down to the stream to kind of cool off. About that time he saw that huge grizzly bear running full speed toward him. He fell down on his knees and said “God please protect me. God I am praying that you would convert this bear into being a Christian.” Miraculously, the bear stopped in his tracks, lifted up his paws toward Heaven “Thank you Lord for the food I ‘m about to eat.”



16. Czechoslovakia

I heard about that lady who died and she found herself standing at the pearly gates. Saint Peter said “You can’t come in unless you correctly spell a word.” She said “What word?” He said “Any word.” So she spelled the word love LOVE. Peter said “Welcome to Heaven.” Then Peter asked her if she would take his place. He instructed her “If anybody come just follow the same procedure. Within a few minutes this lady sees her ex-husband coming up. She said “What are you doing here?” He said “I just had a heart attack. Did I really make it to Heaven?” She said “Not yet. You have to correctly spell a word.” He said “What word?” After a long pause she said “Czechoslovakia”



17. A special request

A husband and wife were celebrating their 60th birthdays together when suddenly an angel appeared and said God was going to grant them each one special request. The wife was so excited she said “I want to travel all over the world” and poof the smoked cleared and suddenly she had tickets in her hands. The husband was next. He shyly said “My request is that I would be married to a woman 30 years younger than me.” And poof the smoke cleared and he was 90 years-old.



18. The picture of God

I heard about this kinder garden teacher. She was walking around her classroom as her students drew pictures. She noticed this one little girl drawing so intently. She asked her what she was drawing. The little girl said she was drawing a picture of God. The teacher kind of laugh, she said “Oh Honey nobody really knows what God looks like.” The little girl, without missing a beat, said “They will in a minute.”



19. The naked woman

A new pastor moved into town and went out visiting people. He came to one house and it was obvious that someone was home but no one would come to the door. Finally he took out his card and wrote on the back “Revelations 3 - 20“ and then stuck it under the door. The next day at the service an usher handed him the same card and under his message was the notation “Genesis 3-10.” And here is what the scripture says. Revelation 3-20 says “Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man opens the door I will come in.” The reply was Genesis 3-10. it says “I heard your voice but I was afraid because I was naked.”



20. A million dollars

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to him. God said “A million years to me is like a single second in your time.” Then the young man asked God what a million dollars was like to him. God said “A million dollars to me is just like a single penny to you.” The young man got his courage up and said “God would you please give me a penny?” God said “Sure, just a second.”



21. The cowboy

I heard about this old cowboy, he went to church one rainy Sunday morning. When he got there he noticed that he and the preacher were the only ones there. The weather was so bad. The minister asked him if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. He said “Well, Preacher, I’m not too smart but if I went out to feed my cattle and only one showed up I’d sure feed him.” And so the minister began his sermon. Two and half hours later he got finished and he asked the cowboy how he liked it and he said “Well, Preacher, let me put it this way. If I went out to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t dump the whole load on him.”



22. John’s steak

John was the only protestant in a large catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent while his neighbors were eating cold fish, he was in his backyard grilling a steak. They could not stand the temptation and they decided to try to convert him to the Catholicism. After several talks John agreed. They took him to the church, the priest sprinkled some water over him and said “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, but now you are a catholic.” A year later during the first Friday of Lent the neighbors smelled the same smell of steak in the air. They rushed to John’s house. He was in his backyard sprinkling water over his steak saying you were born a cow, you were raised a cow but now you are a fish.



23. The one Sunday I missed

It was Palm Sunday and because of a sore throat little Johnny stayed home from church with the babysitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches from the Easter program. The boy asked what they were for. The Mum told how the people held them over Jesus’ head as he walked down the aisle. The little boy fumed “Wouldn’t you know it? The one Sunday I missed he shows up!”



24. Hole-in-one

I heard about this pastor. He decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf. He told his assistant he was not feeling well and he drove to a golf course in another city where nobody would know him. He teed-off on the first hole and suddenly the wind picked up his ball and carried it an extra 100 yards and blew it right into the hole, for a 420 yard hole-in-one. An angel looked at God and said “What did you that for?” God smiled and said “Whose he gonna tell?”



25. God’s getting better

I heard about this little girl, she was sitting on her grandfather’s lap. She noticed how wrinkled his face was. She contemplated the difference between hers and his. She said “Grand Daddy, did God make you?” He laughed and said “Yes Honey. God made me a long time ago.” She said “Well did God make me?” He said “Yes, God made you just a little while ago.” She thought about it a moment and said “Grand Daddy, God’s getting better, isn’t he?”



26. The woman’s dress

I heard about this lady that was shopping with her husband. He had asked her not to buy any new cloth but she saw this dress in the window and decided to try it on. She liked it so much she bought it in secret. A couple of days later, the husband discovered it. He was so upset. She explained to him that when she tried it on, it looked so good that Satan tempted her to buy it and she just couldn’t resist it. He said “Why didn’t you do what the scripture says and say get behind me Satan? She said I did and he told me it looked even better from a distance.



27. Black and white

I heard about this little girl, she was attending a wedding for t he first time. She asked her Mum “Why is the bride wearing all white?” The Mum smiled and said “Oh white is the color of happiness. Today is the happiest day of her life.” The little girl thought about it and said “Why is the groom wearing all black?”



28. The pastor’s mother

I heard about this elderly lady. She came into church one Sunday morning and a friendly usher greeted her and said “Mam, where would you like to seat?” She said “I would like to seat on the very front row.” He said “Oh no Mam you don’t want to do that. Our pastor is very boring. He’ll put you to sleep. Let me put you somewhere else. She was appalled. She said “Sir, do you know who I am?” He said “No.” She said “I am the pastor’s mother.” He hung his head in embarrassment. Finally he looked up and said “Mam, do you know who I am?” She said “No.”. He said “Thank God.”



29. The Loch Ness monster

I heard about this atheist, he was spending a quite day on the lake when all of a sudden his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. One easy flip, it tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth waiting to swallow. As the man tumbled head over hills, he cried out “God help me!” All at once time stood still. The whole picture froze. God said “But I didn’t think that you believed in me.” The atheist said “God please give me a break. Two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either.”



30. In the airplane

A Christian woman was on an airplane reading her Bible. The man next to her said “You don’t believe all that stuff in there, do you?” She said “Of course I do. It is the Bible.” He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by the whale?” She said “You mean Jonah? Yes I believe that too.” He said “How could he possibly survive all that time inside a whale?” She thought about it for a moment and said “I don’t know. When I get to Heaven, I would have to ask him.” He sarcastically replied “but what if he is not in Heaven?” She smiled and said” “Then you’re gonna to have to ask him.”



The Baptist dog

I heard about this man, he came up to a Baptist pastor and he said “Sir, my dog has passed away. I was wondering if you can come to my house and have a funeral for him.” The pastor seemed kind of annoyed and he said “No, I can’t do a funeral for a dog.” The man said “Well, that’s too bad because I was thinking of making a 5,000 dollars donation to your church.” The pastor smiled and said “Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Baptist?”



The world smartest man

I heard about this airplane that was about to crash. There were four passengers but only 3 parachutes. The first passenger said “I’m a leading heart surgeon. My patients need me.” He grabbed the first parachute and jumped. The second passenger said “I’m a rocket scientist, one of the smartest men in the world. My country needs me.” He took the second parachute and jumped. The third passenger was Pope John Paul. He said to the fourth passenger, a 10 year-old boy scout “Son, I’m old and frail. You take the last parachute.” The boy scout said “That’s OK sir. There are still two parachutes left. The world smartest man just jumped out with my backpack.”



Bedtime prayers

I heard about these two little boys. They were spending the night with their grandparents. Before they went to bed, they got down on their knees to say their prayers. The youngest one started praying at the top of his lungs saying God I pray that you give me a new bicycle, and I pray that you give me a new play station, and pray that you give me a new DVD. His brother said “Why are you screaming? God is not deaf. The little boy said “I know that but Grandmother is.”



The woman

After God made Adam he said, “I am going to give you a helpmate. She will be called 'woman' and she will be your friend, she will cook for you, clean your home, be kind and gentle, be your helper, when you argue, she will be the first one to admit you are right." Adam said, "What would she cost me?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam said, "What can you give me for a rib?" The rest is history.